By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, Feb. 10, 2016
Moncton Times & Transcript
Doing the laundry is proving to be a dangerous activity in my house. Years ago, my head collided with a shelf so hard in my basement laundry room that I was seeing stars afterwards. In fact, if memory serves correct, I hit it twice during the same laundry session.
I’m not necessarily on a schedule for laundry, however I tend to do what most typical men do: I do laundry when I run out of socks and underwear. On Sunday, it was time for another workout session with the washer and dryer, so I did the usual sorting and all that stuff. The session was uneventful until I came upstairs with the last load from the dryer.
I was on my way to the bedroom to sort everything and put it away in drawers when I tripped over something in the kitchen. No, I didn’t just stumble and catch myself, going ‘Phew! That could’ve been a bad fall!’ I fell flat on my face. Hard.
I’m a big guy – and if you’ve ever seen me in person, your first thought probably wouldn’t be, ‘You know, that handsome large gentleman looks like he’d rather enjoy jumping off a ladder and landing full-force on the floor right on his kneecaps.’ Well, maybe it would be something you’d think, but you’d be weird for doing so. And if it was indeed something I’d liked, it would be about 85,000th on the list somewhere between having my spleen ripped out through my nose by a goblin, putting my hand through a meat grinder, and being forced to eat liver.
When I felt myself going down, I did what everyone does: I instinctively put my hands out to stop my fall. This is how wrists get shattered. Luckily, that didn’t happen with me. I did land with all my weight on both knees right on the floor. If any of my neighbours’ knick-knacks fell off the shelves because of a tremor, this would explain why.
My laundry flew out of the basket. The basket’s handles flew off in a variety of directions. I ended up on my side like a beached whale, moaning and groaning and completely in shock. I only remember falling hard like that once before in recent memory – about 10 years ago when I was visiting a condo with a relative. At that time, I also tripped on something I didn’t see. Since then, I’d been very careful, because I hated the sensation so much (well, no one loves it, I suppose!) and I did everything possible to prevent it from happening again.
Well, my once-every-10-years fall did happen again, and it felt every bit as embarrassing and awful as before. It really messes you up. It’s so jarring and leaves you in a state of shock. I hate that feeling.
My son came out from the bathroom immediately to see what happened and asked if I was OK. That was a question I couldn’t answer, because I honestly didn’t know if I was. What I did know was that this was the worst carnival ride ever.‘Step right up to the Brian Fall Down and Go Boom-Boom A-Whirl! Only $2 per person!’
Since I didn’t know whether or not I was hurt, I just started wiggling legs and arms and fingers. Small cut on finger. Sore right thumb. The rest seemed to be OK. Even my knees, which landed terribly hard on the floor, seemed to be uninjured – miraculously! I’ve seen so many people with messed up knees that that’s one path I don’t want to go down.
In the end, I self-diagnosed myself (thanks to my trusty and scary Internet medical websites!) with a sprained thumb. Well, it was either a sprained thumb or I needed a hysterectomy. I think the thumb thing was the more realistic diagnosis. I ain’t no doctor, but…
So, the countdown begins to the next fall, whenever that will be – hopefully not for a long time. I’ll be super paranoid until then, being extra careful to watch where I’m going and ensure that I have a clear path.
Now, though, the blame game starts. Should I sue myself for my injuries? Will I make myself cry on the witness stand when I cross-examine myself? Will I hold what I tripped on up in the air with my sprained thumb and yelp in pain to create extra drama in the courtroom?
If you think the Mike Duffy and O.J. Simpson trials were dramatic, you haven’t seen anything until you see me yelling at myself in a mirror on the witness stand. I hope I can afford the big settlement!