Hump Day: Christmas in July will lead to late tree-light burnout

Hump DayHump Day
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, Dec. 5, 2012
Moncton Times & Transcript
Editorial section

I’m the guy who starts listening to online Christmas music in the summer even before the kids go back to school. I’m the guy who does a countdown to Christmas on my blog. I’m the guy who sends out more Christmas cards than Queen Elizabeth.

But right now — as of today — I’m not feeling terribly Christmassy. It’s not because I’m sad or depressed or anything like that. Actually, I overdosed on Christmas and peaked in October. Now, the rush is really on and I’m not sure I could care any less.

The analogy I make is that you know you’re going to go out for a night of cocktails with friends. (That’s a classy way of saying you’re going out to tie one on.)

You know you’re going out on Saturday, so you start drinking two months earlier every day in anticipation. Let’s just say that by the time the actual Saturday rolls around, the last thing you want to do is even drive by a liquor store, let alone have another beer.

That’s how I feel right now. Like I said, I’m pretty sure I’ve overdosed. Santa Claus could show up at my door right now with a Cadillac tied with a big red bow and I think I’d slam the door in his face. Begone! Sick of ya! Sick of ya, I tells ya!

Those of you who have wanted to strike me dead for mentioning Christmas in July can all have the last laugh. My favourite time of the year is now finally upon us and all I can think about is the chore of buying presents, putting up decorations and trying to make everything just perfect.

The weather isn’t helping, for sure. What we’re really missing is a bit of snow! Just seeing that will make me all warm and fuzzy inside. Well, that and the stomach flu, but I’d prefer just seeing a bit of snow.

I’ve been playing Russian roulette with my snow tires, too. I’m keeping an eye on the weather forecast to see how long I can risk holding off. This is by far the latest I’ve ever waited to have them installed. One morning, I’m going to wake up to 20 centimetres of snow and no winter tires. I guess I should tackle the garage and look for them. They’re buried in there somewhere!

Seeing all the Christmas lights around town certainly helps! The lights at Moncton City Hall are absolutely spectacular, don’t you think? Dieppe has also put on the sparkle this year with some very nice new decorations. Soon, they’ll be able to see Metro Moncton from outer space!

I try not to drive by city hall too often at night, though. Quite frankly, the entire display is so mesmerizing that I pity the fool who dares walk in front my vehicle — even if they’re using the crosswalk. I’ll likely be distracted because I’m checking out the amazing lights. How dare they try and ruin my experience by screaming and flying over the hood of my car? How rude! It’s Christmas! Bunch of inconsiderates!

Back in September, I didn’t have to concern myself with buying gifts yet. I’d better start now so as to spread out the purchases or pay the price.

And because I want to impress everyone with my gifts, I don’t want to just buy them something “so-so”. I want them to open the gift and then let me watch as their reaction goes from disbelief to outright wailing in ecstasy as they realize that, finally, they have received the gift that has definitively changed their life. Not that I’m putting pressure on myself, eh?

I’m only half joking, by the way, but do you realize how hard it is to get someone’s eyes to roll back in their head in complete and utter shock when you’ve just given them oven mitts in a gift bag from a dollar store? It’s not easy, let me tell you. I’ve tried. And as pretty as they sound, diamond-encrusted oven mitts are quite difficult to find and more than a little impractical.

I hope for a centimetre or two of snow in the next few days so that I can get back into the Christmas spirit. I’m desperate for anything! I’ll be recording all the Christmas TV specials on my PVR, too. A Charlie Brown Christmas is on this week, as is How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Frosty the Snowman and Frosty Returns have already aired.

I’d even watch the umpteenth rerun of Rita MacNeil’s Christmas special if it was on tonight just to kickstart the holiday mood! (And yes, it will indeed air again next month for the 13th year in a row.) Would someone please beg CTV to put that special out of its misery? I love both Rita MacNeil and Patti Labelle, but the two just don’t go together. It’s like candy-coated steak. So good apart. So wrong together.

Oh, the Christmas spirit will come back to me, I’m sure. At some point, like in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, something will cause my heart to grow three sizes that day and the joy of Christmas will once again be upon me as I walk down the street whistling Jingle Bells, humming Silver Bells and Winter Wonderland and snapping my fingers to Blue Christmas.

Next year: No Christmas stuff for me until at least August! After all, I should really be more realistic and wait until at least the back-to-school sales start. Sounds like a plan! I swear on my candy-coated steak!

(Please note: There are a few words changed from the original version that, in retrospect, could have been taken the wrong way by some. I only realized this after re-reading it. Hump Day is a humour / life / general interest column. It is not intended to offend.)

2 Responses to Hump Day: Christmas in July will lead to late tree-light burnout

  1. Love your stories Brian !! I think you know my soon to be Daughter in-law Josee Charlabois . Love that girl to death !