Hump Day: Looking back at failed resolutions, and planning more

Hump DayHump Day
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, Dec. 31, 2014
Moncton Times & Transcript

The worst thing a columnist can do is to go back to writings from yesteryear to see what he wrote about resolutions. What I found was a long trail of broken ones. As well intended as they were at the time, it’s depressing to see that most of those big plans fell by the wayside.

I’d say the average resolution lasted until Jan. 8 – one week! That first week of January is always a good one for people, isn’t it? We all stick to our diets. We all exercise every day. We all read more, go to bed early, watch less television and start writing our novel. The world is our oyster. Life is good.

Come the second week of January, though, we’re back in front of the television with empty beer cans around us and chips strewn all over the floor. We tell ourselves we’re just taking a break from our resolutions. We’ll get back to them next week. Besides, there was a snow storm and we couldn’t get to the gym one day. It’s not our fault; it’s the weather’s fault. See?

Now, because I’ve always believed in being honest with you, dear readers, here’s a list of some of my biggest failed resolutions in the past few years.

new year resolutionsBecome a ballerina: This was not unrealistic. People can overcome obstacles all the time. Now, I have to admit, this was a major one to accomplish. I’m not exactly the ballerina type, after all. First, I had trouble finding triple-E wide ballet shoes. Then, I had a lot of trouble pulling my hair back into a bun. I had a super-strong weightlifter pull enough of the back of my head into a bun, but then the front of my face looked like I’d had 12 facelifts. I couldn’t close my lips, either, so I looked like I was always smiling. Apparently, I terrified children.

Then there was the matter of the tutu. Apparently, I don’t look good in pink. Finally, after many hours of practice, I made my first leap into the arms of an awaiting dancer who was supposed to hold me above his head and spin me around as I held my arms out in glorious dance triumph. It didn’t go well. They’re still holding fundraisers for his rehab cost and he screams whenever he sees someone wearing pink. Poor thing.

Then there was the promise of being rich by year’s end. I think I make that one every year. The only problem with that one is that I’m too chicken to rob a bank and sometimes I forget to buy lottery tickets. Oh, I suppose I could just work for it, but what kind of resolution-maker would I be if I only resolved to work harder, save more and spend less? That’s for suckers. I don’t believe in carrying guns, either, so robbing the bank may not be too effective. Do you think they’d hand over large stacks of $100 bills if I threatened them with a wooden spoon?

One year, I promised myself that I’d be a world-famous singer. The problem is that I forget the lyrics to Happy Birthday, so remembering the words to a big complicated song probably wouldn’t work out too well for me. The same goes for that resolution to win an Oscar. I usually fall asleep watching movies, so when the director saw me snoring away on the back of the horse during the movie’s epic American civil war battle scene, my award-show hopes pretty much went down the drain. I discovered that I fall asleep in the middle of a movie even if I’m starring in it.

So, that was the end of that and the world will never get to see walk up the dozen steps from the front row of the audience to the stage during the Oscar broadcast as Meryl Streep hands me that golden trophy, weeping as she tells me through gut-wrenching sobs that I’m her inspiration.

Because the new year is just starting, I’m not sure what my soon-to-be-broken resolutions are yet. There are always the old standbys, but they seem boring. I say come up with something that scares you, like skydiving, or hiking through lion country in Africa while covered in gravy. Make them big.

However we all decide to improve ourselves over the next year, it’s important to note one thing: Jan. 1 is just a date and Jan. 2 is just as valid a date to start a new habit. So is Jan. 3… and 4. The most important thing is to never give up. Ever. Good luck!

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