Hump Day: Not sure how well I’d do on reality TV

Hump DayHump Day 2 cropped
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Moncton Times & Transcript

Summer is coming, which means the seasons are over for many sitcoms and dramas on television and reality television shows kick in to fill the void. Two of my favourites, the U.S. versions of Big Brother and MasterChef, are gearing up just as the equally good (if not better) Canadian versions are winding down. In fact, Moncton’s own ‍Line Pelletier came in second in MasterChef Canada just a few days ago.

On Big Brother, about 15 contestants (give or take) compete for a couple of months to be the last person standing. Each week, a contestant is voted out by their housemates with the eventual winner getting a big cash prize. To survive, a contestant needs to win competitions to either be in charge (‘head of household’ – commonly called HOH), keep themselves safe (‘veto’) or just play a great social game to ensure they aren’t nominated for eviction.

If a contestant wins a competition and becomes HOH, they get a beautiful room to themselves, the power to nominate two housemates for eviction and a letter from home, including some favourite treats. I always find the reactions from the letters from home to be quite hilarious. Let’s say that ‘John’wins HOH in week two of the show. He’s been away from his friends and family for 14 days. Two weeks. Half a month. Invariably, they bawl and carry on like they just found their birth mother after looking for her for 10 years. So ridiculous. Get a grip!

There’s lots of betrayal, backstabbing and lying going on, but it’s all part of the game. Of course, it’s entirely fascinating to watch over a couple of months – and genuinely heartbreaking when nice people get backstabbed by some of the more ruthless players.

I’m not sure how I’d do if I was on a show like that. I’d be awful at the physical competitions, but probably do OK in the more strategic ones such as quizzes and the like. And I really don’t think I’d get all emotional with a letter from home. I doubt very much that I’d be wailing away like a banshee after hearing from my relatives after two weeks. Heck, I don’t often see them for a month at a time anyway – and we live in the same city! I’d probably come across as some heartless sot. It wouldn’t make for very good television.

As far as MasterChef goes, I’d likely be gone in the first week since I’m unable to ruin the same dish twice without changing something that ruins it differently.

deserted island
I don’t think I’d last long on Survivor. I’d probably be crying for my mommy and wanting to go home in the first 10 minutes.

As for Survivor, that show would get me arrested for murder. That’s the one where they ship all the contestants off to a remote area far away from civilization. Half the time you’re starving or getting eaten alive by some godforsaken weird insects. I can just see myself gallivanting around an island wearing nothing but a loincloth. Oh, it would be quite a sight, let me tell you. Hungry, cranky and sweaty. I’d most likely have a few thousand marriage proposals from fans at the end of the season.

Actually, I’d probably end up in prison. I’d end up turning into a human Cookie Monster (from Sesame Street) a few days into it. Another contestant would come up to me to talk and I’d cannibalize them right there on the spot like Cookie Monster with a bag of Oreos. By the time the producers and camera operators would reach me,I’d be holding a femur in one hand and a severed arm in the other, happily munching away.

‘I was hungry! I had the shakes!’ I hope low blood sugar is a defence for murder in whichever country we’re in.

I think I’m much better suited to those old Canadian game shows from days gone by – like Headline Hunters or Definition. The prizes weren’t great, but you didn’t exactly break a sweat being on the show, either.

Much better than looking for food in the jungle (Survivor) or having to swing from a rope for six hours in hopes to avoid being nominated for eviction (Big Brother).

On a Canadian game show, you could win for weeks on end, be declared the grand champion of all time and still only end up with a measly sewing machine and $25. Canadian game shows gave away a tonne of sewing machines.

I guess I’ll have to earn my millions the old fashion way: buy lottery tickets and promise God I’ll go to church every week if I win. That’s the way Canadians have been doing it for years. There’s no need changing a winning formula now

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