Hump Day: Is it time for new glasses, contact lenses or laser surgery?

Hump Day 2 croppedHump Day
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, Oct. 21, 2015
Moncton Times & Transcript

I remember when someone finally noticed that I needed glasses. I was sitting in Grade 6 class at Aberdeen School when the teacher saw me squinting – likely not for the first time. And I wasn’t just squinting – my face was contorted in a way that made me look like I’d just eaten a lemon.

I’m sure I’d been squinting at the chalkboard for a few months, but at some point it just became too much for my teacher and he sent me to the school nurse (remember those?) who gave me an eye exam. I failed miserably, of course, and within a few days was wearing glasses.

Now, you really don’t realize how badly you need glasses until you put on a pair for the first time. Things actually have shapes and lines and colours! No, seeing blurry is not normal. It was amazing! I never felt badly about wearing them. Seeing clearly was way too much fun!

My prescription has been pretty stable for a number of years, but my eyesight got worse quickly at first as I grew. Let’s just say that I’m very happy for technology, because I’d be wearing lenses as thick as the bottom of pop bottles if thinner lenses weren’t invented. And the one time I ordered glass lenses? It was like wearing a brick on my face. So heavy! My nose looked like it had been through a war every night when I took off my glasses before bed.

The one thing about wearing glasses, though, is that you normally don’t wear them in the shower. Now, I hire people to come in and do some light housekeeping weekly and part of their duties is cleaning the bathroom. Since I know it gets done on a regular basis, I just leave the bathroom cleaning to others.

The other day, though, I happened to check inside the shower for some reason, looked down and then started hearing the sound effect from the scene in the movie Psycho where Janet Leigh starts getting stabbed. I rarely see inside my shower with my glasses on. Usually, it’s just all a wonderful blur that allows me to live in ignorant bliss at the state of the shower curtain liner.

eyeglassesYes, the shower curtain liner. It was disgusting. Beyond disgusting. And there I was staring at it in shock wondering when it went from new and white to, well, a science experiment for a nuclear waste facility. What was supposed to be white was now every colour of the rainbow. Needless to say, I bought a new one right away – and even bought a spare while I was at it so that I could nip any future science experiments in the bud!

I’m almost scared to take a closer look around the house. What else have I been missing? I suppose my kitchen countertops aren’t terribly pretty under all that clutter of small appliances which are rarely used. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I should just douse the house in gasoline and light a match. (Note to fire department, police and insurance company: That’s a joke.)

I’ve often wondered about getting laser eye surgery, but it makes me nervous. I have many friends who’ve had it done quite successfully, but I always think of the worst-case scenario. You only have two eyes – and I would probably be the one guy that it doesn’t work on. Or the doctor would cough during surgery and inadvertently slice half my head off with the laser.

“I have good news and bad news, Mr. ‍Cormier. The good news is that you’ve gone down a couple of hat sizes.” Well, that’s not a bad thing considering I have a pumpkin-sized head that’s difficult to fit a hat onto.

I’ve thought about getting contacts, too, but it seems like everyone I know who has contacts has trouble with them half the time. Their eyes always seem to be drying out. With my luck, I’d fall asleep with my contacts in and wake up with two raisins where my eyes used to be. Well, that would explain all the people pointing at me and screaming at Costco.

I actually do have to get new glasses soon. Maybe I’ll throw caution to the wind and check out laser surgery. Hey, if I can throw away my glasses and go nude-faced for the rest of my life, it could be worth it, although it would definitely take some getting used to! And if they make a mistake and the laser cuts off too much, at least I can look forward to a shopping spree for smaller hats.

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